Back in August of this year my youngest son challenged me to rethink how I was living my life. I hadn't been feeling well for some time, I was gaining weight, inactive & had no discernible goals for improving my lot in life. The back-story to this actually has been going on for some time.
Growing up I was an inactive kid. My idea of a good time was to curl up on the couch with a book or two, watch cartoons & eat a big bowl of ice cream (with chocolate sauce) or potato chips (with dip). Wow, what a recipe for disaster! I was never athletic or interested in learning how to dance or anything that would have caused me to be active. I was not allowed to pursue the few things I did express interest in until I was old enough to work a part-time job & have a driver's license. Well, when you have a job, who has time for fun stuff?
Fast forward a few more years into my young adult years...I married at 19, just shy of my 1st wedding anniversary I lost my dearly-loved father to cancer. A few years later I became a mom for the 1st time at age 23, kept on 10# after the baby & then proceeded to have 2 more children within the next 5 years, keeping on 10# or more after each of those babies. I'm dealing with depression over losing my dad, then also dealing with the baby blues as well. I felt I didn't have time for exercise & it was the absolute lowest thing on my list of priorities. I had babies to take care of, a husband to care for, a house to keep up, laundry, meals, babies, more laundry, working part-time, etc. etc. etc. My list of excuses was a mile long. And after all I was a life-long member of "The Clean Plate Club" - never leave food on your plate, or your kids' plates, or throw anything out if it's still edible. My weight just continued to climb.
I kept thinking...I'll get to it soon; like next week or next month. But week after week & month after month went by & I just didn't get around to taking care of myself. I had too many other people depending on me to take care of THEM. What I didn't realize was that if I had been taking better care of myself, I would do a better job of taking care of them too! But, I procrastinated & so, on it went for years.
Oh I tried off & on to get active or to diet. Nothing stuck to me but the weight. Eventually I topped out this past summer at almost 280#, mind you...I weighed 117# when I got married. These past few years I would sometimes laughingly say..."I'm TWICE the woman I used to be!" Like it was something to be proud of. Not really. It was just a cover for being so angry with myself for letting it go for so long & not doing enough about it. But now, also being in the situation of not knowing where to even BEGIN to TRY to do anything about my weight & overall declining health.
To complicate matters in the fall of 2012 I developed Plantars Fasciaitis in my right foot, with my left foot hurting because of walking to compensate for my right foot. This made getting active seem even more impossible than ever. Despair. Resignation...thoughts of "maybe I'm just meant to be a fat cow until I die; which with the rate I'm going...it will be sooner rather than later." Everything hurts. It hurts to move, it hurts not to move. Can't win. I'm so tired of being tired. I'm exhausted all of the time. It's affecting every area of my life. Death is looking better & better all of the time. Not that I'd do anything overt to hasten death, but neither did I fear it & in fact there were days that I'd pray; "Dear Lord, I hurt so much & I'm so tired, can you please just bring me home soon?" I was giving up.
Now fast forward to May 2013. My nephew Matt Craig has been battling with alcoholism for the past several years & his body, because of a compromised immune system brought on by the alcoholism, succumbs to an infection and he passes away at the age of 39. I think Matt had lost hope. He had been living in denial of his alcoholism & I think that he knew that he had something bad going on with his body; but because he stopped caring about whether he lived or died, he gave up & didn't get treatment. This rocked my world. I have a theory that he just didn't think he was strong enough to beat it, even if he really tried. I've always loved my nephew, he was my first nephew & had a special place in my life. Oh the fun memories of that boy & seeing him grow up & then have a beautiful family of his own. And then it hit me...I was being JUST LIKE MATT...only my addiction was to food & inactivity & it was killing me just the same.
I had to make changes, but where to begin?
Once again, I put it on the back burner & thought "Oh, I'll get around to it." I really did mean well & I really did intend to get started right away working on it, but life has a way of marching right past you if you don't engage it.
Three months went by & on the weekend of my 52nd birthday some of my kids were home for a few days. I know they're troubled by my inability to participate in life, they see me hurt & they know I'm miserable, but you know what? No matter how much you took this "horse" to the water, she wouldn't drink. This is where the beginning of my post comes in...while Ryan was home that weekend he sat me down & helped me figure out why I wanted to lose weight, what was holding me back, how to set some health goals & well, just helped me figure out some other baggage stuff too (maybe more about that in another post). I cried, I had a pity-party, how could life be good if I had to give up eating all of the things I "loved" - WAIT A PICKIN MINUTE...didn't I love my family MORE than food? YES & that is what drove me to listen to Ryan & try to follow his instructions.
That's the beginning of my Battle of the Blob. Again. Will I win this time? Stay tuned...btw...if you've been following my blog because of my card making, you may want to unsubscribe at this point. Just sayin'.
"Do or do not do. There is no try." - Yoda